Fresh Start Ch. 03: Breaking Ground

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Part 3

It had been over a week since the twin’s party. I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Nell. All day. All night. All the moments in between. I was borderline obsessed. I had gone camping alone overnight a few days earlier just to clear my head. Had to resist the urge to invite her along.

We hadn’t seen each other outside of campus since that night. Class had been, awkward to say the least. More for me I was sure. We were getting ready to workshop our third pieces. We only had a few more weeks before finals.

She had asked me if I wanted to get lunch after class again. It was so hard being that close to her on full display. I was certain my racing heartbeat could be heard by everyone.

The cafeteria was quiet. We were as far away as possible from other people within the space. We sat down across from each other at the square table. I wanted her next to me, touching me. I almost said no for this very reason. My yearning to have her near me had not lessened, only grown as time went on.

“You okay Emma?” I realized I had zoned out a little.

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. You ready for workshop next week?”

“Yeah. I think so.” This was a piece about childhood. It was the hardest one I had written yet.

“You don’t sound certain.” For a brief moment it looked like she was going to put her hand on mine from across the table. I ached for her to do just that.

“It was just…hard. It’s fine though.” I smiled at her. I knew she would have to leave to teach in a few minutes. I wished she didn’t have to.

“What do you do for the holiday?” She asked.

Thanksgiving was next week. I was looking forward to the time off work and school and having a few days with the kids. “Me, the kids and Liz. I’ll cook. You?” Both kids had refused Dean when he requested them for the holiday. I was relieved. It was the first major holiday since we split. Liz usually went away for holidays. A cruise, a trip, whatever, but this year she was sticking around and spending them with us. My parents didn’t invite us over, nor did I invite them.

“Just me.” I knew she didn’t have family here but hadn’t given much thought to what that meant for the holidays. Maybe I had figured she had friends she would spend the time with. Maybe I hadn’t given it any thought at all.

Before I could even think, I heard myself say, “You should come over my house then.”

She eyed me curiously for a moment. “Emma, you don’t need to do that.”

In the seconds since the words had flew out of my mouth, I had thought it over and knew I wanted her there, if she wanted to come. “I know.” I said as I shrugged my shoulder slightly. “But you should still come. I promise, I’m a very good cook.”

“But your kids. Liz.” She was biting her lower lip. I wished I was biting her lower lip. I watched her lip a little too long.

“Yeah?”

“Wouldn’t it be…weird?”

“Not if we don’t make it weird.” I smiled at her. I wasn’t totally convinced I could make it not weird but wanted to try. “They’ve met you. They know you’re a friend. It’s fine.” I paused for a moment. “And I’d really like it if you were there.”

“Okay. ” Her smile nearly knocked me out of my seat. “Well, as much as I don’t want to move, I have to.”

I sighed and got up with her, walked as far as I could next to her before we parted ways. I knew we would talk later. We talked every day either on the phone or texting, usually both. It just wasn’t enough.

***

“You invited her for Thanksgiving!?” Liz was over for dinner. The kids were upstairs while I cooked. “Jesus Emma. Are you certain you understand the meaning of ‘taking it slow’?”

I knew the second Nell had accepted my invitation that I was going to hear about it from Liz.

“Don’t. Don’t lecture me about speed in a relationship. How many guys have you jumped right in bed with?”

“That is just sex Emma. Not a relationship. I don’t do relationships. You are not me.”

“Can we let it go? I’m not taking the invitation back. I don’t want to anyways.” I didn’t. I wanted her around.

She walked over to me. “Em. I’m just not willing to stand by and watch you get hurt. Again.”

“Elizabeth, I’m a grown women.”

“Who can’t keep her hands off her professor and thinks bringing her into your home is a good idea.”

“Enough! Please. I thought you weren’t going to say any more about it, Liz.” I referred back to what she said at the party.

She put her hands up in defeat. “Fine. But Em.” I knew she was just concerned, but I was done doing this circle dance with her. I shook my head with a hard no, and she stopped.

Just then Asher and Jacklyn came in to see when dinner would be ready. Before I could answer them Liz did,”10 minutes. Go be useful humans and set the table.” She shooed them out of the kitchen.

She started to talk again, and I shot her a look. “Done Liz. Please. I just want to have a nice dinner.” And I meant more than just porno indir tonight.

She helped me get dinner to the table. The tension between us didn’t last long. Asher was giving us a blow by blow of some fight in gym class. “Good to know dumb jocks haven’t changed since we were in school right Em?”

I laughed.

“Are you staying after dinner Liz?” Jack asked her godmother.

“Of course, I am. There’s still wine left that simply must be finished tonight. Movie?”

“Sure. Mom?” I relished the hopeful tone in her voice.

I smiled at them both. It was rare that Jack would hang out with us now, I wasn’t going to not agree. “Of course.”

We finished eating then Liz got up and pulled me from the table. “Minions, you are in charge of clean up.” We walked into the kitchen and she poured another glass of wine and I made myself tea. While it steeped I went upstairs and got into sweats.

Liz was on the couch, her wine and my tea on the coffee table, when I came back down. The kids were in the kitchen loading the dishwasher. She patted the space next to her and I sat down, brought my knees up to my chin. We didn’t talk, just sat that way while we waited for the kids.

Soon the 4 of us were sitting on the couch. “Mom do I have to watch this?” Ashe asked. Jack had picked a Romcom and he had no desire to sit through it.

“No.” Before the word was out of my mouth he was up and heading for his room. Jack started the movie and Liz pulled the afghan over her and I. My head leaned into her shoulder. Slowly I let my legs down and shared the recliner end with her. Jack’s legs joined ours, I made room under the afghan for her and we sat all snuggled up enjoying each other and the movie.

As the movie ended Jacklyn got up. “I’m heading to bed. Night Liz. Night mom. Love you.” We both got a hug and kiss.

“Goodnight Jack.”

“Night minion.”

“I’m not your minion.” Jack quipped back.

“Could have fooled me.” She added a maniacal laugh for good measure.

I sat there just shaking my head at the both of them. “Which one of you is 16?”

She ignored my mostly rhetorical question, “So, you’ve decided?”

“Yes.”

“And you still want me there?”

I was taken back by this question. I turned to face her. “How can you even ask me that? Of course, I do.” So, this was why she was giving me such a hard time. She was worried about us.

“I just…” I wouldn’t let her continue.

“It’s the first time in forever you will be around for a holiday. You are very much wanted here.” I could see some level of worry in her expression. Seeing her look vulnerable wasn’t something I was used to. “Liz, nothing is ever going to break us apart. My parents couldn’t, Dean didn’t, me having kids didn’t. She won’t.”

She gave me a big hug. “She better not. I know where she works.”

I couldn’t help laughing. Soon we were both laughing. It felt good. Felt right.

*****

It was my workshop day; I was going second. Instead of being focused on that, I was worried about the meal I was cooking in 2 days. Well not the meal. I knew I could cook. I was worried about Nell being at my house. With my kids. With Liz. With me.

I was sitting in class in a fog when Nell asked me to read from my piece. It took me a moment to pull myself into the here and now. Once again she asked me to read a specific section she picked.

Atreyu and Bastian soon became the names of my future children. I dreamed of having my very own Luckdragon who would come to my rescue on those stifling summer days, when my brothers would tie me to the swing set while my parents worked. It was only when I became a mother myself that I would attempt to deal with the truth of those days. How if I didn’t move fast enough to change the channel before The Price is Right came on, I would get a knife to my throat or a knee to my stomach. The times I was sat on and tickled until I wet myself, which happened far too often to simply be considered sibling antics.

The lucky days were the ones my brothers fought with just each other and left me alone with my growing stash of books. The unlucky ones, I was bound to the swing set as soon as the car left the driveway. 6-foot stockade fence that was meant to keep the neighborhood kids out, instead kept the world from seeing my confinement. I started reading V.C Andrews books by this point, I was drawn to the worlds she created. The main characters were always girls who were misunderstood, labeled, living lives they didn’t fully control. By ten I had read almost, if not every, V.C Andrews book in print.

I knew everyone had already read the whole piece but still my emotions were on edge as I sat back and listened. Feedback slowly, quietly came my way.

Class ended and no one made eye contact with me. I had worried before I submitted the piece that it might be too raw. I lingered as I packed my bag hoping to hear her say my name. Instead she was suddenly standing next to me. I looked up and smiled.

“I really want to give you a hug right now Emma.” rokettube She spoke just over a whisper. There was still other students around.

Oh, how I wished she could. I gave her another smile, “It’s okay.”

“Lunch still?

“Of course.” The only thing I wanted more than having lunch with her, was that hug. My mind was going to all the places it shouldn’t go as we walked across campus to the cafeteria together.

“Ready for Thursday?” She asked as we sat at what had become our usual table.

I was. Everything was as prepared as it could be. I was planning on spending Wednesday baking and cleaning. Liz was taking the kids and I out to lunch after I did a quick solo hike, then she was ‘helping’ me. Her brand of help was rarely helpful, but I was just happy she was around. Usually she was gone most of November and December. She used to say she didn’t want to interrupt my family holidays, but she was my family. Had been more family than anyone I shared blood with, except my kids. I was starting to have some guilt for inviting Nell, even though Liz stuck to her word and hadn’t said any more on the subject.

“As ready as I can be.”

“Are you certain I can’t bring anything over?”

“Wine. Bring wine.” It flew out of my mouth but made perfect sense. It would be a bridge between her and Liz.

She looked at me, knew I didn’t drink wine. Then a look of understanding hit her eyes. “Okay, that I can do.” I loved the smile that spread across her face. Her eyes crinkled up when her smile was genuine.

The rest of lunch went by entirely too quickly. I walked as far as I could with her when our time was up. “I’ll see you Thursday.”

“Yes. You will. Bye Emma.”

I said goodbye then headed home. The evening was spent double checking I did indeed have everything and pre-cleaning the house.

I woke up early and got myself ready to go for a hike. I texted Liz and let her know I was leaving, and which trail I would be on. She was going to come get the twins up and moving once I told her I was close to done. I left the house and drove to the trailhead. It would be about a 4-hour round trip hike if all went well.

Before I turned on Strava and secured my phone I decided to text Nell.

Me- morning. I know it’s early but I’m hitting a trail and just wanted to say hi

I went to stash my phone when it vibrated

Nell- morning. Beautiful day for a hike.

I smiled that she had gotten right back to me.

Me- it is. Little chilly but that’s okay.

Nell- enjoy it. Send me a picture of the view. ??

Me- I will

I stared at the heart emoji for a moment before I headed into the trail.

Nearly 4 hours later I was back in my car. I had sent her a picture of myself at the waterfall part way through. I let Liz know I was heading home.

I could hear the twins arguing as I opened the front door. I tuned them out and quietly slipped in and up to my room. I needed a shower before we went in public. I turned on my music and hopped in the steaming shower. I was singing along with Kelly Clarkson when I heard the bathroom door open and close.

“Emma, the little heathens are driving me bonkers.”

“I’m a little busy Liz.”

She opened the shower door, “Well they are making me rethink this staying around for the holidays crap.”

“Really Liz? I’m trying to shower.”

“Oh, if I see anything I’ve never seen before, I’ll shoot it. Relax. I’ve seen you naked a million times.”

“Not the point Elizabeth.” I grabbed the shower door and shut it. “If you think this is bad then it’s a good thing you weren’t around for holidays when they were toddlers!” I instantly felt bad for saying it. I finished and stepped out. She was still there. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.”

She was biting the inside of her mouth. “I know.” She handed me a towel.

“Thanks. Now, what’s their issue?” I walked into my bedroom and started getting dressed.

“Life. Being 16. Living together. All the above. How do you do this all day every day?”

I rolled my eyes at her. “I ignore them when they act like this. Try it Liz.” I pulled on a sweater and grabbed my black boots. She eyed me. “Am I non-hobo enough?”

“Barely.” She replied but couldn’t hold in her laughter. I joined in as we went downstairs. It was quiet. She looked at me, “think they took each other out?” I laughed some more. I doubted it.

We got into the kitchen and Ashe was shoving a muffin in his face.

“Mom. Look at him he’s ridiculous. We are going OUT and he’s filling up on this.”

Oh great. It was one to those days with the two of them. “Jacklyn, does it affect you? No. So stop worrying about it. If he doesn’t eat what Liz buys him for food she will take care of it I promise.” For good measure Liz glared at them both.

***

We were back from breakfast and I was elbow-deep in pie crusts and baking. Liz was elbow deep in sitting on my counters and drinking wine. Music was blaring and we were both singing along. Liz had tasked the kids with cleaning porno the dining room and bathrooms.

“Ugh mom, Christmas carols?”

Liz answered him before I could. “Yes Asher. After all your nonsense this morning, that bathroom better sparkling. And if you’re not careful I’ll sing louder than your mom.”

“Oh, please no! My ears can’t take that. Seriously mom, how come you can sing, and she can’t? shouldn’t. Ever.”

I burst out laughing. “Oh, Ashe I hope you can run.” And with that Liz took off after him.

She chased him through the dining room into the living room and back into the kitchen. She hopped back up on the counters instead of continuing. I could hear how winded she was. “Little turd is a lot faster than he used to be.”

“Well, he IS bigger than both of us now and.. we are getting old.”

“Blasphemy.” She poured herself some more wine.

“Okay, you are getting old, I can still outrun and out hike him.”

“Well I can out drink you both.”

I shook my head and rolled my eyes. Then went back to my pies. The music was still going, and I was singing along to ‘Jingle Bells’ as I put the apple pie in the oven.

“Mom, can I go over Jenna’s for a few hours?”

“Everything done that you needed to get done?” She had a habit of doing things half way then abandoning them.

“Yes. Promise.”

I gave her my best mom stare and she didn’t squirm. “Then yes. Just be home by 10. Do you need a ride?”

“No. I’ll walk, and her mom or dad can bring me home.” She said goodbye and started for the door.

“Don’t be a stupid teenager Jacklyn. Come home in one piece or you’ll ruin the holidays.” Liz yelled to her as she was leaving.

We hadn’t seen Ashe since Liz stopped chasing him. I went upstairs and found him playing video games in his room. “Need anything?”

“Nope I’m set. Thanks.” He went back to his game and I went back downstairs.

I put water on for tea and Liz made herself some coffee. We went into the living-room while the desserts finished. I turned on the TV to nothing important. Some random Christmas movie. I looked at her as we sat there and smiled. She looked at me like I had ten heads. “Why are you staring at me?”

I laughed. “Because I am very happy you are here. We haven’t had Thanksgiving together since what, junior year?” I wasn’t there for senior year, so it had to have been junior.

“I think that was it. So, 19 years. Wow.”

We spent the rest of the afternoon watching TV and talking, cleaning and finishing getting everything ready for the next day. I wanted to get to bed early, Liz left when Jack got home at 10. I said goodnight to the kids and went to my room.

I hadn’t checked my phone in hours. There was a couple messages from Nell.

Nell- How’s the day going?

Nell- Still okay for 1 tomorrow?

Nell- Um, let me know

I felt like crap. I should have checked it sooner than after 10pm

Me- I’m sorry. I got so wrapped up in everything I didn’t check my phone until now. I got everything done I needed to and yes, absolutely still on for 1.

I clicked send, then went and got ready for bed. When I got back to my bed she had replied.

Nell- Don’t apologize for life hun. I’m glad you got everything done. I will see you at 1 sleep well

Me- you too ??

She called me hun. I shouldn’t be so affected by that, but I was.

My sleep was restless. I was grumpy when I woke up. I made my way down to the kitchen and started water for tea. I was stuffing the turkey when Liz arrived. I put on my best ‘don’t talk too much face’. She knew it well and started helping me without talking.

An hour later we had everything ready and the Turkey was in the oven. My list of what and when to put everything else in so we could eat on time was sitting next to the stove.

The kids rolled out of bed and happily ate the fancy assed donuts Liz had brought. I could finally talk without being a bitch. We stood around the kitchen drinking tea and coffee and goofing with each other.

“So, what time is this friend coming?” Asher asked me.

“Her name is Nell and around 1.” We were eating sometime between 2:00 and 2:30 so it would give her enough time to settle in but not too much time. At least that’s what I was hoping. I was glad the kids hasn’t batted an eye when I told them I had invited her. I was nervous they would see there was more below the surface. I made my second cup of tea and spiked it with some rum, non-cheap rum, in hope of settling my nerves a little.

“Go shower. All of you.” Liz demanded.

I rolled my eyes as I shook my head at her. “Ashe go shower, Jack you can use my bathroom, I’ll shower when you’re both done.” They cleaned up their breakfast messes and headed upstairs.

“Don’t dress like slobs either.” She yelled to them. “Wear something that I bought you!”

“Does that go for me too?” I laughed as I asked her.

“Oh, I’m coming upstairs and picking out your outfit. You need to look good, but not too good or I’ll have to run interference all day.”

“Liz.”

“I’ll behave if you behave.”

“Arghhh.”

“Exactly my dear.” She planted a kiss on my cheek. “You are my favorite person Emma. I’m going to do my best to behave. I wouldn’t intentionally do anything to hurt you, you know that.”